identity crisis no. 1784 by mechanizedeye
Who am I? This seems to be a question that I ask myself a lot. What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be? Is that person different from who I am? Do I like who I am or would I prefer to be someone else? I’m having quite a bit of trouble figuring out what I want from life. I’m not completely sure. It would be nice to be the person great person I believe I can be for the 5-10 minutes after reading an inspirational quote or listening to a RSA or Ted Talk. That guy would be awesome. He would really make a difference in the world. What happens to that guy after those 10 minutes? Where does he go? What happens to all that drive and inspiration that makes me feel so good? Perhaps it’s the logical side of me saying: “It doesn’t take a hero and a genius to state everything that is wrong with the world. Thank you for bringing awareness to the fact that everything sucks, but, just saying that there is a problem is a great start but it’s not a solution. I could be against something like gender inequality, but not really know how to fix it. Words are all fine and good. However, talk is cheap. Saying I’m going to do something doesn’t mean that it’s actually going to get done. It takes a lot of work to take those first steps to start a project. Perhaps “Project Me” isn’t exactly something I’m willing to tackle just yet.
I feel as if I go through life playing a series of characters to fit different parts of my life. When I’m around my Jock friends, I’m a guy that’s interested in sports and everything jock-esque. “…I’m so happy that the Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Championship this year. They’ve always had a great team but the competition has always been so fierce that even a great team like them couldn’t complete. They’re the only team that has consistently maintained a level of quality that no other team has been able to match”.
When I’m with my best friend from elementary school, the geek in me comes out. I mean complete anime-watching, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy-reading, Dungeons and Dragons-playing, geeky nerdy nerd. “I absolutely love Yakitate!! Japan. Not only is it one of the funniest animes I’ve ever seen, its also highly educational. I really enjoy the way they poke fun at ridiculous reoccurring themes in a lot of other animes. It’s really got all aspects of a great anime without seeming overloaded or stupid.”
Oh, no… is that girl crying? I wonder if she’s okay.
“Excuse me, are you alright?”
Girl – “Not really… my life is falling apart and there’s nothing that I can do about it.”
Me – “Well would you like to talk about it?”
Girl – “What good would that do? It’s not like it’ll change anything. My life is still a disaster.”
Me – “Sometimes it’s nice to get it out. I’m told that I’m a good listener and I want to know what’s going on with you. I may just be being nosy, but I hate to see people sad.”
Girl – “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?”
Me – “Nothing more important than this.”
She talked, I listened. We walked around the city. She cried some more, I bought tissues. We grabbed coffee, she talked some more. I was 4 hours late for work that day at A&F. They didn’t call or even really notice. It made no difference to me. Four hours at minimum wage is nothing. She just thanked me for listening, gave me a hug, I asked her if she would be OK. She nodded yes and I saw her smile for the first time. I told her, “You have a really nice smile.” She giggled cutely. We said our goodbyes and I went to work.
I didn’t even get her name. It’s not that I didn’t find her attractive, it’s just that it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. I felt like asking for her number or name would have been a betrayal of her trust. I didn’t want her to feel that after all that I had some kind of hidden agenda. I didn’t. I was genuinely concerned about this complete stranger for no reason and all I wanted to do was see her smile. It had nothing to do with hitting on her or making myself feel good about doing someone nice for someone else. I just didn’t like to see her cry. Sometimes I’m that guy. I’m not sure if that’s the person I actually am deep down, or if it’s just another character I play. All I know is that I didn’t have play it like I have to with my other personas. It came naturally. Not forced or worked on. I’ve created so many faces for myself that I don’t even know which one belongs to me anymore. I’m a chameleon that doesn’t remember it’s original colour.
Who the hell am I?
opentoyou 