(Not) my type

I’ve dated enough to know what I don’t like. The idea if “my type” is constantly evolving. Things that turn me off, annoy me, or things I could just do without. Some things are just gross or unacceptable. I’ve dated the crazy girl, the clingy girl, the emotionally distant, the rebellious girl, the hippie, and others. A few more meaningful than others, but most of them ending for the same reasons.

Bottom line is, she has to have a personality. Someone who can hold a conversation. Someone with diverse interests, ambitions, goals. Someone who challenges me, and isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit. Someone who will punch me in the arm when I’m being an idiot and will hold me up when I’m feeling discouraged. Someone makes me want to be a better person. That inspires me to do things I never thought possible. Playful personality with the ability to have a serious and meaningful conversation. Someone who knows the worst side of me and still loves me. Someone not afraid to open up and tell me what she’s feeling. Somebody I can trust more than anyone else in the world.

It’s stupid… or may seem so, but that’s just really not good enough… it’s really mostly about how we connect. How she makes me feel, how I make her feel. Like a little while ago, I met someone. Her smile lights up any room she walks into. She’s absolutely the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever met, and it feels like our personalities just fit together. An overwhelming attraction. I could just sit and look into her eyes all day and every time I think about her or say her name I can’t help but smile. When I’m around her, I get intense butterflies that make me want to throw up and spontaneously combust.

I find it hard to play nonchalant around her. She flusters me. Throws me off balance every chance she gets. She inherently knows how to get under my skin as if she’s purchased real estate there and has become a permanent resident. She somehow just knows what buttons to push and loves to torment me. She’s got me hooked and I’m finding it impossible to resist regardless of how likely (or unlikely) we are to become anything.

She’s the definition of my type at this moment. Whatever that means. She just feels right. That’s my type.

More than just a dildo.

All I ever hear about is women complaining about men always hitting on them, or making a pass, or only wanting or thinking about one thing. I never hear about men complaining about women always hitting on them, or only wanting them for sex, or only liking them for their physical appearance rather than their personality. What the fuck!? Why am I the only guy that seems to get this? Why does it seem like I’m the only person in the universe that doesn’t want this? Don’t get me wrong, sex is great (one of the greatest things ever), but when it’s just one-night stands and FWB, it just feels hollow, cheap, and a little dirty (and not in a good way)…

Growing up, I often read stories and watched movies describing and depicting acts of love and chivalry, romance, and passion. As a child, I couldn’t wait until I reached the age where I could experience these things for myself.

Fast forward to now. The age of the “douchebag” and whatever the female equivalent. The type of woman that is obsessed with playing mind games with complete disregard for what the man may feel for her. Don’t get me wrong, a little chase is intriguing, even exciting, however, when it gets to the point that she is ruthlessly leading him on with no intention allowing it to go anywhere, wtf?. I mean the same, goes for men. Men have been openly doing the same for a long time. I’m not denying that. But why is it me that has to pay for the stupidity of my gender?

I’m sorry that I don’t want a random fuck on a Friday/Saturday night. I’m sorry I’m not willing to just drop everything when you call at 3:00am drunk and horny and wanting sex and wanting to give me a try because you find me “intriguing“. I’m sorry for wanting more than just a physical connection.

The root of my confusion.

 

So here’s my problem. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to find the right person for me. Actually, every time that I find a woman who I’m interested in, it doesn’t go anywhere. What I mean is, every time I fall for anyone that I think is worthwhile (I’ll get to my type later) they aren’t interested or they’re interested in me for the wrong reasons. The purpose of this blog is to try to get my thoughts out so that I can see them and try to figure out what I’m doing wrong to see what I could possibly do better. Maybe someone else can see something that I don’t and give me some advice. This is my first time doing anything like this, so try to cut me some slack if I don’t read as easily as some of the pros.

I’ll get into most of the details later (talk about who I am, things about me, etc.). For now, a brief overview. A lot of women seem to think that just because I’m attractive, all I’m good for is sex. At the risk of sounding like a complete pussy, all I want to find someone who I can connect with emotionally, personally, and physically. I want to feel like I’m more than just a dildo with a heartbeat.